ASK NANA

Dear Nana,

Is it harmful to my grandson’s mental well-being when his mother wakes him from a deep sleep by tickling him to the point he flops and flounces trying to get away from her? It breaks my heart to see her do him that way. It’s obvious he doesn’t like it.

-Worried Grandparent

Dear Worried!

Many of us have memories of being tickled in a way that made us feel uncomfortable – my brothers referred to a game we played as kids as “tickle torture.” Psychologists tell us that many adults, when asked about emotional challenges in their childhood, will talk about when they were tickled as children, and couldn't get the tickler to stop. Yet plenty of young children genuinely seem to like it and will laugh and reciprocate when any type of tickling begins. Parents say that it feels great to have an instant way to laugh and be playful together.

 Christine Harris, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of California, San Diego, and renown expert on tickling, calls it “one of the most mysterious phenomena out there.” This is partly because you can’t tickle yourself and also because there is, according to Dr. Harris, a strange disconnect between a person’s behavior when being tickled and how it may truly make them feel. Most of us respond with reflexive laughter and smiles on our face, even if we are also protesting. This makes it particular hard for parents to really know whether their children enjoy tickling and if they do, what intensity is right for them. Most experts agree that to be safe and fun, tickling must be brief, light, playful and consensual, with frequent pauses and check-ins with a child. If we continue to tickle children despite their protests, we are missing the opportunity to teach them that it is OK to set boundaries about being touched and also that is not OK to touch others in ways they don’t like.

So, is tickling harming your grandson’s “mental well-being?” Probably not, though there is potential for this, depending on the intensity and frequency of these tickle sessions. Especially if he clearly doesn’t like it. I’m curious about why his mom has chosen this particular way to wake him up because there are, for sure, better, gentler ways to wake up a child. I suspect that this started as a fun, playful time that mother and son would share and this has evolved into what you are seeing now. But we can’t really know mom’s motivation without asking her so I would encourage you to discuss your concerns directly with her (not in front of your grandson, please.) Perhaps she isn’t aware of his discomfort; perhaps she will think you are misreading his responses due to your own “stuff.” She may even tell you she doesn’t need your advice since she is his mother. Regardless, it is important for all the adults in a child’s life to speak up and have honest conversations when it comes to things that may have potentially harmful outcomes. Clearly your worries and concerns are motivated out of love for your grandchild – so lead with that. Be respectful and curious and leave space for her to think about your concerns over time. You may not see an immediate change in behavior but you will feel better for seeking to understand it.

Good luck!

-Nana

Ask Nana is published with permission. ©2021, M. Rogers, All right reserved

Worried about your child’s development? Visit the CDC’s Learn the Signs, Act Early to learn about important developmental milestones your child should be reaching at their age. You can also download their free Milestone Tracker App, as well as find out how and where to get help if you have any concerns. Remember, you do NOT need a referral from a doctor to receive help!