ASK NANA

Dear Nana,

As the Holidays approach, I find myself thinking of ways to avoid all the big traditional family meals. Don’t get me wrong – I love family get-togethers! But meals with a toddler (he just turned 3) can be really challenging and not everyone in my family is understanding. Two big questions: Should I take along food that I know he will eat? I don’t want to insult our hosts. Also, how long should I make my son sit at the table with everyone? I want him to learn to be social but my wife believes he will just disrupt everyone’s meal. We need help setting realistic expectations.

Signed,

Father fearing the Triple Threat – Traditions, Turkey and Toddlers

Dear Father Fearing The Triple Threat,

First – kudos to you for identifying the triple threat in advance. Planning ahead is half the battle with toddlers, even as unpredictable as they can be. And really identifying and talking about both your own and your wife’s expectations will go a long way in reducing your stress. Try to agree on strategies and responses ahead of time so that you aren’t arguing with each other on top of dealing with a disgruntled child. Regardless of whose home you are in, you are still your child’s parent and decisions about things like what they eat, (including sugar treats), when they are finished and when they can get down are really up to you and your wife. Easier said than done when surrounded by “helpful” family, I know! Practice your responses. “We don’t typically let Cyndi have sugary treats but thank you.” Or, “Just one is perfect.”

Let’s consider some of the logistics that can help make holiday family meals go more smoothly. Timing is a key element that is often over looked. Children are creatures of habit. If meals and naps are kept close to the child’s typical schedule, it usually works out better for everyone. Ask your host about bringing a high chair or booster chair, if that is practical for you. Also bring whatever your child needs at mealtime – bibs, cups with lids, small spoons, etc. This eliminates all that last minute hunting by your host for a plastic cup, or suitable spoon just as the meal is ready to serve.

If you know your child will not eat what is being served, go ahead and bring their own food. Your child might surprise you and want to try what is being served, but being prepared avoids an upset, hungry child! Simply say to your host, “I hope you aren’t offended, I am trying to help us all have a peaceful meal.” Grandparents are sometimes invested in passing along food traditions to their grandchildren. So they may urge you to “let him try it.” Try not to take this as judgement to what you packed but rather their desire to share family recipes and create special moments. This may be especially true around Holiday desserts. Remember what you and your wife have agreed upon – don’t deviate under pressure!

The question of how long to have a child stay at the table, when he is clearly done, depends on the child’s temperament, his development and on your tolerance for disruption. Young children can and should learn that meal time is also social time, but developmentally, they really don’t do well with this until they are a bit older – closer to 8 really. For toddlers, once they are done eating, they want to get down or be entertained. Or both! At 3, your child will need to be supervised when you get him down, (which means you or your wife are now also done eating) so set yourself up for success by keeping your child engaged with his meal for as long as possible. A few tricks suggested by parents: try to putting your child in their highchair or booster at the last possible minute, after everyone is gathered and ready. You can also draw out the meal by giving your child one part at a time –after the main dish, some fruit, etc. Have something on hand that can be played with safely in the high chair for a few minutes. Young children love guessing games, which can be fun for the whole family. Try “What do you see?” or “what color is this?”

I would suggest beginning now to practice sitting together for meals at your own home, if you don’t already, so your child gets used to eating together and perhaps waiting a bit for you to finish. But overall, keep in mind that developmentally, your child just isn’t equipped with tons of patience and self-control. Fifteen - twenty minutes is about the average meal time for 3 year olds, so you may need to educate your family and adjust your own expectations.

Finally, from our friends over at The Family Dinner Project (familydinnerproject.org): “Over the past 20 years researchers have confirmed what parents have known for a long time: Sharing a family meal is good for the spirit, the brain and the health of all family members. Recent studies link regular family dinners with lower rates of substance abuse, teen pregnancy and depression, as well as higher grade-point averages and self-esteem. Studies also indicate that for young children, dinner conversation is a more potent vocabulary-booster than reading, and the stories told around the kitchen table help our children build resilience. The icing on the cake is that regular family meals also lower the rates of obesity and eating disorders in children and adolescents.”

So try to embrace those family holiday meals. As challenging as they can be, they are also the things memories are made of and so much more.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Nana

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