ASK NANA

Dear Nana,

I have a very close relationship with my 3 year old grandson Noah. I watch him on days that both his parents work. My daughter started bringing him to church. We have a problem after church because he pitches a crying tantrum as soon as he sees me because he wants to leave with me. I can't take him with me every Sunday, so my daughter is now telling him no and taking him home for consistently. The last two Sundays I just stayed out of sight.

Noah’s Nana

Dear Noah’s Nana,

What a nice testament to the strong relationship you have with Noah that he wants to be with you so much! But, I know that knowing this does not make this situation any easier to navigate. Three year olds do NOT understand adult logic nor have an accurate sense of time – so “you’ll see me tomorrow” means nothing to them.

As you are seeing, toddlers seem to feel as if everything is the end of the world and easily melt straight down into a screaming tantrum when they are denied what they desire. I know it is hard but your daughter is right to say “no” and take him home each Sunday. Noah needs consistency and predictability to manage his expectations and feelings and he will eventually mature to understand that tantrums are not the way to get what you want. Right now this is pure frustration – he wants what he wants and he wants to go with you! So staying out of sight during this phase is not a bad option to simply step-side the melt down. But this doesn’t sound sustainable in the long run. Even if you could stay out of sight most of the time, if he does spot you, you’ll need a plan. Here are a few things that might help:

1) Mom should talk with him ahead of time (do this every time!) and be very clear about what is going to happen before, during and after Church. “This morning we are going to go to Church. First we will get dressed, put on your brown shoes, and then ride in our car to the Church. At Church, you are going to sit next to mommy with your book and be as quiet as you can be. We might see Grandma there – I bet you will want to hug her if we do see her. (Describe what your expectations are). After Church is over, we will walk back to our car, say goodbye to Grandma and come home and have lunch. What would you like for lunch today?” Mom should not debate Noah about who he is coming home with. Just approach this in a matter-of-fact tone and ignore any whining or negative response. Keep things moving.

2) Mom should establish something to look forward to at home after Church. Lunch, a favorite toy, walking the dog…something Noah really likes to do. If Noah sees you (Grandma) and begins to fuss about going home with you, mom can remind him about what they have already planned to do. During this more difficult time, it will help if the planned activity is something really fun and something he is familiar with.

3) Remember that preschoolers are really distractible and this is always an adult’s best tool for interrupting a brewing tantrum. Is there something fun or different that could be made as part of the leaving routine at Church? Perhaps mom and Noah could visit a favorite flower garden or take 20 steps down the stairs, taking turns counting.

4) You (Grandma) need to keep good-bye short and sweet. You can offer Noah a choice – (choices are wonderful distractions!) does he want to walk to their car holding your hand or mom’s hand? But one quick hug and kiss and off you go…Noah will recover much quicker if he does end up in a meltdown. Prolonging the good-bye only gives him incentive to cry harder and longer next time.

5) Establish a good-bye ritual that you and mom and Noah (and any other close care providers) use whenever someone is leaving. It doesn’t have to be elaborate but often a light or humorous ritual helps ease the leaving – a fist bump, “one, two, three, hug me!” “See you later, alligator.” Kids love these and they can be really sweet routines that last into adulthood. Don’t forget to ask Noah what he might suggest. If he thinks of it, he will be much more excited to try it out.

Finally, when you are caring for Noah during the week, you can talk about the leaving process from Church with him. However he handled it, you can narrate his feelings and be empathetic. And when he leaves without a fuss, (and he will, eventually) remember to tell him how proud you are of him. Leaving someone you love is never easy, even for grown-ups.

-Nana

Ask Nana is published with permission. ©2021, M. Rogers, All right reserved

Worried about your child’s development? Visit the CDC’s Learn the Signs, Act Early to learn about important developmental milestones your child should be reaching at their age. You can also download their free Milestone Tracker App, as well as find out how and where to get help if you have any concerns. Remember, you do NOT need a referral from a doctor to receive help!