ASK NANA

January 5th, 2022

Tantrums in a toy box!

Dear Nana,

My mom and dad have a toy box at their house for when their grandchildren visit. My son Ethan is a little over two years old and suddenly he always wants to bring home at least one of these toys with us when we leave my parents house. If I say no, he has a whole melt down over leaving, often throwing himself on the ground, clutching desperately whatever toy he has decided should come home with us. We have tons of toys at home and honestly, Nana, he doesn’t give two figs about the borrowed toy after about 5 minutes of being home with his own toys. My mom hates seeing him upset so she often just wants him to take the toy and bring it back next time. But I think it is important for Ethan to learn “not yours.” I have started to dread taking him over to his grandparents because leaving has become so terrible. Any advice?

-Tired of Toy Tantrums Dad

Dear Triple T Dad,

It is important to recognize that children of this age are very egocentric (they are thinking mostly of "me," not of the others in their lives), and they want what they want – even if what they want does not seem to make sense. Harvard University Center on the Developing Child released new research showing that the previously reported 700-1000 new neural connections per second that the brain makes is actually closer to over 1 million connections per second. PER SECOND! So trying to reason with a two-year-old, or talk to them about listening, or sharing or self-control is particularly hard because they are experiencing the greatest brain development of their life and are the walking definition of chaotic thinking.

Your 2-year-old’s actions are based on emotional impulses, not logic. So telling him that he has lots of toys at home will not sway him. (See trying to reason with a two year old above.) Instead, here are a few strategies that may help ease the transition -- Warn, offer choices, empathize, distract, move along.

Start with giving at least two concrete warnings about leaving, about 10 minutes before you want to be out the door. (Warn) In this case, I might try saying, “Ethan, we have to go home very soon. Let’s put the toys away in Grandma’s toy box. Would you like to pick up the cars or the balls?” (Offer choices)And then start cleaning up. It doesn’t really matter if he helps - for now, clean-up is more about providing Ethan with a concrete message that it is time to stop playing. After a few minutes, or when everything is picked up, offer another choice of some kind that will lead to leaving: “Would you like to put your jacket on yourself, or should I help you?” If you get no response, wait a minute or so and then repeat the question. If your child still doesn't respond, take him by the hand and begin helping him with his jacket. (Move along.)

It will also help to let your child know you understand his point of view and verbalize these really tough feelings: "I know you wish you could take one of Grandma’s toys home and are sad to leave them here. But we need to leave those here for her to play with. But you can hug the toy doggy one more time before we put it away.” (Empathize)

Distractions help – a lot! Instead of taking a toy home, perhaps Ethan could take a cracker home – something that he earns for his cooperation in getting ready to leave. Or, he could bring something special from home that serves as the transitional object for coming and going - Ethan can carry it into the house, put it in a special spot, and then carry it out of the house to the car. 

Most importantly, if you feel strongly about not taking toys home, it is fine to not allow it. But you must stick your “no.” And ask your mom not to say it is OK. Consistency is key to help Ethan manage his expectations and his disappointment. Giving in part of the time will just confuse him and create an expectation that a big enough tantrum will get him what he wants.

Of course, sometimes even your best efforts will still net a full on, limp noodle, on the floor, tantrum. But a little creativity and practice should go a long way in heading those off before they even get started.