Ask Nana

Dear Nana,

My 5 year old recently started T-K (transitional Kindergarten) and he loves it. He goes each morning without an issue, he seems excited to see friends and he tells me all about his day when I pick him up. But as great as this seems to be going, he has had a few nightmares. It doesn’t happen every night but more than a few times over the past few weeks, he wakes up in the middle of the night, sometimes crying, but usually he just calls for me. He often remembers the dream, but doesn’t want to talk about, he’ll just say that it was scary. He does settle down fairly easily and goes back to sleep. Should I be worried that something has happened to him? How can I help him?

-- signed, worried mama bear

Dear Worried Mama Bear,

It is not uncommon for new challenges and a change to a child’s routine to impact their sleep. Starting school presents all kinds potential stressors – both good and bad. The need to get out the door on time, figuring out classroom routines, exercising self-control for longer and longer periods of time -- these things can be felt as “stress” by a young child. Five year olds have very active imaginations and are also more and more aware of potential catastrophes – from car accidents to hurricanes. They might see a news story, hear adults talking or even watch something on TV that doesn’t seem scary but gets in their head and then their dreams.

How can you help? This is a good place to think about how children need to feel “embraced and contained.” First, don’t over-react – seek balance between empathizing with how scary dreams can be while matter-of-factly dealing with any ideation that something is really wrong. In the middle of the night, I would suggest going to your child, offer comfort and let them talk about the dream if they want to. But don’t pressure them or let them get all worked up again in the telling. Next, offer reassurance that nothing is under the bed, in the closet or on the ceiling, but don’t spend too much time “proving” this to your child. Guard against a bad dream episode becoming a gateway to more screen time, special time with you or a quasi-hide-and-seek, what’s-under-the-bed game. Check to be sure the nightlight is working, and if your child sleeps with a comfort object, locate that and tuck everyone back in. Gently remind your child that, “dreams aren’t real.” 5 year olds generally know the difference between make believe and real events but we all know that dreams can cause very real and intense emotions. Your child may need you to help manage their feelings as they get grounded again, so be patient. When you feel ready, remind your child that you are just down the hall if they need you and go back to bed. Children look to adults to contain their fears and feelings – so again, offer calm comfort, and a lot of empathy but don’t make the episode bigger than it is.

Your child may want to talk about the nightmare the next day but don’t be surprised if there doesn’t appear to be a concrete reason for the dream or you can’t connect the dream to something that happened. Children often can’t verbalize stress or don’t have words to discuss their fears. As you listen to their description of the dream, you may or may not be able to help make sense of it. Focus instead on helping your child think about what might be bothering or worrying them. Then let them think of potential solutions, if they can.

Nightmares can often be prevented by paying careful attention to bedtime routines. Even at 5, it is important that there is a wind down time, with predictable elements that are calming. One mother told me she routinely does stretches before bed with her three children – even her 2-year-old joins in! Think about the stories you may be reading or telling your child – you may need to choose something familiar and soothing. If you have more than one child, can you create a little private, quiet time to chat before lights out? Children typically feel safe in their beds and thus may choose this time to reveal what is bothering them or share thoughts of worry or concern.

If your child’s nightmares persist, think about checking in with your child’s teacher and/or medical care provider. If there is conflict with another child or something going on at school, the more you know, the more you can engage your child in a conversation about the issue. Bladder issues, growing pains and ear infections are all physical reasons children can have restless sleep.

Have a question or concern for Nana? Email: eli@earlylearninginstitute.com

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